Hello world, it’s been a while…
As I get older I find myself reflecting on my life more and more. I came to the conclusion, decision , whatever that I have lived in some sort of a prison for most of my life. I hate the prison. Prison represents walls, lack of freedom, loneliness, sadness, and desperation.
When I was a child my prison was my home. My mother abused me and kept me in my room. I had a room with a view where I would always look outside and dream of freedom from being hit or kicked or free from the fear of death. Windows have those panes, those panes are like prison windows.
I made it free from that prison but experienced other prisons in life.
I believe everyone lives in some sort of prison. The prison of hating what God gave us. Hate is a form of prison. As a child I hated my thick hair. Children at school always made fun of my thick hair. I don’t understand why children can be so mean. I don’t understand why people can be so mean. I don’t hate my hair today.
I used to hate my body. I always wanted to be thin like a supermodel. I have spent so many hours, days, weeks, years hating my body. I recently learned to love my body. I gave birth to beautiful daughters and I nursed them all. My body gave life and that makes my body beautiful. I feel great to feel free of the prison of hating my body.
I was married to a man who controlled me. He controlled me and I let him. I let him control me because I was afraid. Afraid or weak, probably both…
We are divorced and the day we became divorced I felt so free. So free of the prison of control. My God there is nothing like freedom. It’s kind of like Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufrene breaks free of prison.
Today, I am not free and I am afraid because I don’t know what to do. My ex husband has imposed a prison on me in regards to our child. He wants to paint a picture that I am an abusive, hate filled, horrible monster of a mother. I am none of those things but I am afraid to effectively help raise my daughter because I don’t want to be accused of something horrendous.
Any person who knows me knows I am a good mother, a good person, a person who loves, kind of a hippie. Nothing about me would preach hate, or revenge. I am a person who has the motto of live and let live.
I feel like I have had to struggle my whole life to be free of so many prisons. It gets draining to always have to fight for freedom.
We only get one life to live and it’s our obligation to ourselves to make it the best. Many people will purposely try to bring us down or put us in prisons and I just don’t get why. My daughter is 3 and I hope and pray that I will not have to live in this prison forever. It seems when one prison door opens another prison door closes. I think if I lived completely free it would feel like heaven on earth.
All I can do is be patient and wait. I am a survivor, I have survived a lot and I will survive this, but damn I am tired…
Over and out J