Mom in a Blender

The life of a mom is like living in a blender

Come as you are, but…

I try not to get enamored with people I don’t know. I try not to make judgments about people I don’t know either.

I admire people who come from shitty situations in life and find success. That shit is not easy.

I admire the neurosurgeon and Republican candidate for president Ben Carson because he became a successful person against the odds of growing up in a struggling environment.

I however, don’t admire that he says homosexuality is a choice because many people go into prison straight and come out gay. That sounds like some dumb shit from a highly educated person. It just goes to show and prove not everyone can be intelligent and an expert on everything.

I have thought about this stupid comment all day and thought how the hell does he know? People need affection. Even people in prison. When you have people locked up for however many years they are still human beings. Human beings who will develop relationships. Maybe they choose to have affection because it’s necessary for sanity! I wish the great doctor really thought about the human factor and need for affection before saying something so stupid.

I am not a lesbian but I do believe if I were in prison with a bunch of other women I cannot say I would not develop a relationship with a woman because I do crave affection. This does not make me gay. It’s kind of like one has to work with what they have. Turn the unpleasant experience of prison from lemons to lemonade. Yes, that is a choice in prison given the circumstances, but out of prison I love men!

I don’t believe homosexuality is a choice and I think it’s fucked up society even ponders that shit. Imagine if we left homosexuals alone; live and let live so to speak and really focused on other truly important matters like terrorism and beheadings of innocent people and shit…

I happened to catch a show on cable today about gays and lesbians. This reformed lesbian mother found God and denounced her homosexuality and took her son to church hoping he would denounce his. A song played in the church with the words come as you are… What a crock of shit!! Come as you are but if you’re homosexual you’re going to hell. Ugh, that ignorance really burns me up and is so stupid. I am the first to admit I am part sinner and part saint and if I am damned to hell for my sins then I will go to hell feet stomping and have a damn good time! I don’t believe I am going to hell though so wherever I end up I will be stomping my feet. In my world it is come as you are and live and let live!!

Over and out :)

Time

Before I had children and fell in love with my children my loves in life were reading and music. I totally love 80s music and classic rock.

Lately, I have determined a main theme song of my life is Time by Pink Floyd. I love Pink Floyd and as I type this blog or piece of my mind I am wearing the dark side of the moon prism t-shirt. I love Pink Floyd so much I made an art project of the prism in high school and I had the prism poster on my bedroom wall. I am trying to turn one of my children into the big Pink Floyd fan I am but sadly, they like the Beatles. One can never stop hoping…

Recently, I went for a walk in the woods with my children. I always listen to music. Thank God for IPhones! I love photography and well, the IPhone allows me to listen to music and take pictures. Ah, technology…

Walking in the woods the sun was shining so brightly I took a picture of the sun. I love the sun. I immediately thought “the sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older.” Time, time never stops, but we get older and eventually we will stop. That’s kind of sad, hell, that’s more than sad because we don’t know when our time will stop.

Recently, I was driving home from work. A route I have taken everyday for only God knows how many days, years. I have taken the route so many times I practically drive on auto pilot and then one day I witnessed something horrible. Music playing, singing along and then right in front of my eyes a big white SUV flips in the air like in the movies and lands on the sidewalk. My mouth flew open and I said what the fuck as I saw a man jump out the SUV and open the back door to retrieve a child. Many people stopped, but I was not one of them. I started saying oh my God, oh my God and I could not stop. I was too afraid of what I would see and felt I would have a mental breakdown. That’s the damn truth.

I don’t take my time on this earth for granted because I know I could be here one second driving or blogging or whatever and then bam, I could be gone.

I don’t have much to leave my daughters but I have a few things for them upon my death. I did not have anything for my three year old and that has been nagging me. I was given a gold necklace for Christmas with an S charm. My name starts with S. My three year old loves my S necklace. Her name happens to begin with S. It dawned on me the other day when I die my baby should have my S necklace. I let her father know my wishes. He said my thought was disturbing but time is on none of our sides.

I won’t forget that accident and how in that moment I clearly witnessed something that will haunt me forever. Tick tock goes the clock and knowing this I will strive to keep listening to Pink Floyd and all the other music I love and of course to always tell my children I love them.

Life is short and so precious and time never stops.

Over and out :)

Scandal

So I am a couple years late but one of my many motto’s is better late than never. I am like who knows how many people who is now a fan of Scandal.

I love Olivia Pope’s character. She reminds me of myself. A fixer who needs fixing. I recently told a friend I am not complete and I don’t really want to be. Olivia said normal is overrated and it’s kind of true. What the hell is normal? I have been on a quest to find some kind of normal for myself and realize nothing happens overnight.

Life is filled with twists and turns and curveballs and snowballs and just plain shit.

I love the twisted sad fucked up love story between Olivia and the President. How many of us love someone perhaps maybe we should not? Love is love and how can we control who we love or who we don’t? The sad reality is many people love forbiddenly. I watch this show and I think to myself these people love each other so much and yet they can’t be together. I know my opinion is probably not popular but I don’t really care…

Love is life…

I also love Huck’s character. It’s kind of twisted but I do identify with him. I am not a person who gets off on killing or anything but I do appreciate someone who does not feel shame for what he does or likes to do. He is who he is.

So many people need fixing or saving and knowledge that people care for their well being. Without that human connection or empathy where would we be?

I find the more relationships I develop with people and the more that is shared with me I see many of us have struggles. Life is so damn short and we can be here one minute and gone the next. As long as I am alive I feel I must continue to try to live the best possible life. I just have a hard time getting there. It’s just not so easy.

I find it comical I never thought I would become one of those Scandal addicts. The show deals with so many complex issues and people’s personalities I am sure there are tons of different reasons why the show is popular.

I find myself excited when I think Olivia and the President could have a chance at happily ever after, but that’s a fucking fairy tale that happens to very few and that is the reality…

Over and out :)

Prison…

Hello world, it’s been a while…

As I get older I find myself reflecting on my life more and more. I came to the conclusion, decision , whatever that I have lived in some sort of a prison for most of my life. I hate the prison. Prison represents walls, lack of freedom, loneliness, sadness, and desperation.

When I was a child my prison was my home. My mother abused me and kept me in my room. I had a room with a view where I would always look outside and dream of freedom from being hit or kicked or free from the fear of death. Windows have those panes, those panes are like prison windows.

I made it free from that prison but experienced other prisons in life.

I believe everyone lives in some sort of prison. The prison of hating what God gave us. Hate is a form of prison. As a child I hated my thick hair. Children at school always made fun of my thick hair. I don’t understand why children can be so mean. I don’t understand why people can be so mean. I don’t hate my hair today.

I used to hate my body. I always wanted to be thin like a supermodel. I have spent so many hours, days, weeks, years hating my body. I recently learned to love my body. I gave birth to beautiful daughters and I nursed them all. My body gave life and that makes my body beautiful. I feel great to feel free of the prison of hating my body.

I was married to a man who controlled me. He controlled me and I let him. I let him control me because I was afraid. Afraid or weak, probably both…

We are divorced and the day we became divorced I felt so free. So free of the prison of control. My God there is nothing like freedom. It’s kind of like Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufrene breaks free of prison.

Today, I am not free and I am afraid because I don’t know what to do. My ex husband has imposed a prison on me in regards to our child. He wants to paint a picture that I am an abusive, hate filled, horrible monster of a mother. I am none of those things but I am afraid to effectively help raise my daughter because I don’t want to be accused of something horrendous.

Any person who knows me knows I am a good mother, a good person, a person who loves, kind of a hippie. Nothing about me would preach hate, or revenge. I am a person who has the motto of live and let live.

I feel like I have had to struggle my whole life to be free of so many prisons. It gets draining to always have to fight for freedom.

We only get one life to live and it’s our obligation to ourselves to make it the best. Many people will purposely try to bring us down or put us in prisons and I just don’t get why. My daughter is 3 and I hope and pray that I will not have to live in this prison forever. It seems when one prison door opens another prison door closes. I think if I lived completely free it would feel like heaven on earth.

All I can do is be patient and wait. I am a survivor, I have survived a lot and I will survive this, but damn I am tired…

Over and out J

Online Dating…

As much as I love technology I find technology to be a curse. Especially when it comes to dating. I have dabbled in online dating for years. I have so many stories I could write a book. It’s not easy to meet people like in the past. Everyone is so damn busy the only way to try to connect with someone is through technology. I have no idea how many dating sites are out there, but there are plenty of lonely people looking for love through a computer. It’s sad but funny at the same time. I feel like I could help people with writing profiles and taking pictures. I find many people just don’t know what to say or how to take a picture without looking creepy. I have seen pictures of men with a too small t-shirt that does not even cover their gut. Getting to know someone through a dating site or through a computer is kind of like going on a job interview. I recently was called a recruiter by someone I am talking to. I laughed, but he is right! I feel like a recruiter.

With a few clicks of a button and an uploaded picture people can put themselves out there for the world to see in all their vulnerable state. I have found most men on the dating sites are only looking for sex. They are so obvious and me being the smart ass I am I call them out on it. They laugh. Of course, there are plenty of married men too in sexually unsatisfied relationships who are only there for the kids. Depressing for sure, but really?

I am forty years old and I have had young men at the tender age of 18 wanting to go out with me. Begging to go out with me. I am not a cougar, but these young men have a hard time taking no for an answer until they finally get it and sulk away with their tale in between their legs like wounded animals. Honestly, an 18 year old and a 40 year old mom with kids really won’t have much to connect on. Even on a intimate physical level.

I have connected with some interesting people through internet dating. A man who was in a sexless marriage for years stayed until his kids went to college and now it’s his time to screw whoever and whenever. We bonded over similar pasts over lunch. It was exciting to meet someone new and have good conversation. We were not looking for the same thing as far as relationship, but it was great to meet someone new who I would never have met if it were not for a dating site.

I am an attractive woman and I know men find me attractive. However, men do not approach me. I have spoken to many men who say they don’t feel comfortable walking up to a woman and talking to her. I find this so sad. We hide behind computers and texts and e-mails. To truly connect with someone on a deep level one must talk on the phone and have face to face interaction. Anyone can say anything, even without a computer. I question how many failures does one must have online dating before they give up? Honestly speaking, how many failures does it take dating without the internet and technology before a person gives up? I have so much more to reveal and I look forward to sharing my experiences. I hope sharing my experiences will help others. Sharing is caring…

Over and out :)

Honey Maid

I have done a lot of reflection about my personality. I have concluded that I am proudly rogue, unconventional, rebellious, radical, and I am quite ecstatic about it. I love stepping out of the box and open minded enough to know the world has so much potential, but there is much work that needs to be done.

I love the stories of the people in history who did not back down for the greater good of the world. Brave people who fought against the injustice of slavery and segregation and oppression of people.

I recently saw a Honey Maid commercial on television and I thought I was seeing things. The commercial depicted a Gay family. I did not look at the family and feel disgust or revulsion. I thought, wow there is a family that represents families in society. The commercial depicted another family made up of Caucasians and African Americans. I happen to be mixed so to see representation of someone like me was great and they were happy. Happy walking hand in hand black in white.  

I commend Honey Maid for in their own way showing the world that the families of today are made up of all types of people. Black and white, Gay or straight, family is beautiful and really about love and happiness. There should be no shame in loving who you love. There should be no hiding of loving who you love. The more we are exposed to all kinds of families the more people must learn to accept. When the commercial ended I felt like having a smore…

We still have such a long way to go but social media has the ability to show what deep down we already know. The cookie cutter family of the past has evolved into something more dynamic. Blended families, multicultural families, same sex families. What unites them is family and what makes them different is as basic as differences in people in general.

I hope more companies will take a hint from Honey Maid, grow some balls and spread the representation of all people who make up society.

Over and out :)

Decisions

When it comes to children and families I completely understand why many people stay in an unhappy marriage until children leave the nest. The thought is once the children leave, the parents can fly away too. In this case I have found partners stray. I am not one to say if this is right or wrong. People have to do what they think is best.

I did not want to live in an unhappy marriage even though I had children and so my spouse and I divorced. My children lived with me for years until recently my 14 year old decided to live with her father. I do not have a problem with this. I always knew the day may come.

My problem lies in my ex-husbands wife. My ex-husband and I have similar personalities. We are both laid back. I learned that my daughter’s step mother was trying to force my 14 year old daughter to use tampons. My daughter does not want to use tampons and I as her mother don’t think she should be forced. I did not use tampons until I was ready. I made my point very clearly to my daughter and her father.

I learned recently my daughter’s step mother took her to a gynecologist and upon examination the gynecologist found my daughter is not able to use tampons because her hymen is still intact. My reaction to this news was what the fuck and duh? I wanted to say why in the hell did this woman subject my daughter to this nonsense and why were my wishes not taken into consideration?

I did not reveal my thoughts to my daughter as she is sensitive and does not want to be in the middle of confrontation. I sat and thought about my poor daughter and knew I had to confront my ex-husband and his bat shit crazy wife. God bless my ex-husband, but he has no back bone. He lets his wife do and say whatever she wants. I let her know as long as I am alive those decisions should be between my daughter’s birth parents. Man I wish I did not have to confront people on something that should be common sense! My ex-husband forgot to tell me about the appointment. I can’t be mad at him…

When I was a child no one stood up for me at all. I know how that feels so I must stand up for my children. I would think being a step parent is not easy. Hell, it’s not easy being a parent. People should know their boundaries though. When the marriage fails the decision to stay or not is difficult. There is no easy answer, but shit isn’t that pretty much everything in life?

Over and out :)

Beauty

I have been told I am beautiful my whole life and as much as that is flattering, it’s not enough to be beautiful. I recently had a laugh with my friend where I told her a man I was talking to told me he thought I was beautiful. I told my friend who doesn’t think I am beautiful? I asked her not to sound conceited, but to acknowledge the fact that even though most think I am beautiful it’s not enough. They do not look past the beauty or I feel they want to destroy the beauty.

When I was a teenager I was constantly sexually harassed on my job. I ended up having sex with one of my managers and he asked me if he could cum on my face. I was sixteen. He came on my face and he seemed to really enjoy that. I did not. I will never forget it. I knew he thought I was beautiful, but I felt like him wanting to cum on my face was meant to defile the beauty. I think he succeeded.

I dated an older man in my teen age years and one day during sex he told me he wanted to fuck m in my ass. I said no, but he rolled me over and forced his dick in my ass. I was in shock and did not realize at the time I had been anally raped. This man raved about my beauty as well. Did he care about my beauty when he shoved his dick up my ass? I don’t think so. He only cared about himself. My child hood years and teen age years were such a dark period in my life. I just wanted someone to love me and take care of me. It did not happen. I was looking about it in the wrong way and so damn lost.

Recently, a “friend” asked me if he could cum on my face or my tits or fuck me in my ass. I could not help but feel let down by him asking me this. I felt like even he wanted to destroy the beauty of me. It is so disrespectful and I don’t understand why men feel they can do this to women. I don’t go around asking men if I can shove a dildo up their ass. What would I get out of it? A part of me wishes I had the balls to try asking as an experiment. Just to get the reaction that I feel when I have had such disgusting things happen to me and still get asked these questions.

I do believe beauty is only skin deep and the cum on my face is washed away and the anal rape is a memory, but the remnants of how I felt remain. Those moments haunt me because I am asked to have these things done to me today. I wish men would ask themselves, what does the woman get out of me cumming on her face or shoving my dick in her ass? If they did ask themselves these questions they would realize it’s all about them, pure fucking selfish.

Has it tainted my beauty? Not really. I try to find the humor in life events. Even the horrible ones. If someone tells me I am beautiful I politely say thank you, but deep in my core I know it does not really matter… I think what do they want to do to destroy the beauty?…

Over and out :)

Friends

I like many women do not have a great relationship with my father. Not only do I have daddy issues, but mommy issues. Both suck! One great tidbit of information my father passed on to me was a person will have very few friends in life. I always knew this was true. I have very few true friends. I have many acquaintances, but only one friend. Well, maybe two…
I know people who consider me to be their friend, but I cannot give them the same honor. I have struggled through life which I find most of us seem to be doing. Some hide their struggles, some don’t. I lived most of my live living in secret, in the closet so to speak. Hiding my troubles. It gets lonely and makes a person desperate to be around someone who can perhaps identify.
I used to work with a man and we talked often. He was married and I was married. I would say there was an attraction between us. It happens in the work place whether people want to admit it or not. I really cared for this man because I empathized with events he discussed with me in his life. I have certain rules I live by. Certain lines I will not cross. One rule is to not cheat, full around with a married man, or full around with co-workers. All those scenarios can end up quite messy.
Eventually, my co-worker left my company and every now and then we would catch up through e-mail or twitter or Facebook. It’s amazing how social media allows us to keep in touch with people. Sometimes this man would ask me out to lunch, but I always said no.
Recently, when I went through a really rough period in my life he reached out to me to get together, but I declined. We are going through similar situations in our lives which one may thing we may be experiencing the same emotions but I still was not ready to see him.
He reached out to me again and offered to take me out and I said yes. We never got to go. Something got fucked up. I don’t think men realize that women have different needs. I think women realize this, but men just think differently. At this point in my life I thought it would have been nice to develop something with this man who I knew and cared for. I admitted to him we were not friends. I think this upset him. I could not explain to him that it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend. I was hoping we could have developed a friendship as I care for him deeply and I understand him so well.
In my opinion, to call someone a friend takes a deep understanding of where a person is coming from and why they are the way they are. My thought may come off as cold, but I am not cold. I am just very careful because I have been hurt so many times in my life. In this case, I was hurt again.
Life is a roller coaster ride I am finding out. Life is filled with ups and downs and oftentimes feels like Hell on earth, but I am trying my best to enjoy the ride. One of my motto’s is I’m happy to be alive and I am. I understand why people give up and commit suicide. Thank goodness that’s not me. I have many missions in life. I have accomplished much and hate feeling sorry for myself, especially because I have one or two true friends. Sometimes writing is food for thought and helps me realize how much I should be grateful for. I still care for this person though our communication has ended and I wish him the best. I understand so well what my father said because a true friend will be there when the going gets tough, through thick and thin and it takes a lot of work to get there, work most people just are not up for the job…
Over and out :)

Nothing but sex…

Betrayal is a bitch. A fucking bitch. I have been separated for over a year. During the separation I remained true. I have never strayed in more than seven years. The day I committed myself I owed it to him to remain faithful. Now during this year of separation I heard declarations of undying love, unwavering loyalty, I need you. All those statements gave me the impression we were working toward reconciliation. So I up help my end of the bargain of love, loyalty.
I knew he tried to go out with someone else and I appreciated his honesty. He said they never had sex. I believed him. Why should I not? He had lied to me before in the beginning of our relationship, but I thought he had learned from those mistakes…
Through the year I always felt he had fucked someone else. I asked him point blank. He always said no. I recently reached my limit with his fucked up treatment of me and I told him out of respect that I was interested in seeing another person. I told him I developed feelings for this person. I felt like I owed it to the both of them to be honest. I was then accused of having feelings for this person all along and doing things I had not done. I felt like it was unfair. I heard pleas of I will be the man you want me to be. I will give you everything. Don’t leave me. I thought to myself too little too late. How long does a man need to be a man? I think seven years if plenty of time…
I asked him again if he had sex with another woman during this year. He admitted to me yes, but it was “nothing but sex” and it was over. What the fuck is that? I have not fucked another man! I get grief over talking to a man who I have not fucked, but he fucked a woman and it was nothing but sex. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I was manipulated into continuing to have hope. If a person tells me he loves me undyingly, has unwavering loyalty, says he needs me and fucks another woman more than once because it was nothing but sex makes me know everything he said was not true. A fucking lie. I feel like I was a puppet. Like my life was put on hold for his own fucking amusement and pleasure.
He asked me if I was seeing someone from work. I don’t do that. I don’t waver. He asked me if I was seeing my married friend. I don’t do that. I don’t waver. My married friend and I could not help but laugh… Even in this situation I can find humor. It’s like he does not know me. He is weak and I am strong. He hates this. He admitted to me he cannot be nice. That’s completely fucked up, but people who walk around hiding who they are, are eventually revealed…
This year he lost his passport while traveling and was stuck in another country. He called me to help him out and blew up my e-mail and phone with sweet nothing bullshit of I love you, I need you, I can’t live without you. Not even his sister helped him. Now that I know he had a fuck buddy I wonder where the fuck was she when he was stuck. Oh ya, nothing but sex.
Many people do not know I married this man so he could be a citizen of the great USA! The great USA he loves to complain about and compare how fucked up Americans are and how wonderful his fucking country is. In many situations money is exchanged for an American to help someone that way. I asked him for nothing. Not one fucking thing. Well, I asked him to be nice. Yes, some people need to be asked to be nice. Zero follow through.
So in a seven year time span he is a bona fide citizen of this great country. God bless the USA. He went from making 20 thousand a year to a six figure salary. He has a beautiful daughter. He was given real estate and these things would not have happened without me. He would often tell me I was his best friend. I could not bestow that status upon him. He hated I did not write about him. I cannot write fiction. He always talked about greatness. Greatness does not fall in a person’s lap…
Sex is never nothing. That is why I refrained this year. Trust is forever broken. Actions speak louder than words. When I have sex it will be something and my conscience will be clear. I don’t just jump into bed with someone and I know sex is different for women than men.
In this final act of love a statement of sex is nothing is actually everything and the nail in the coffin. I am done messing with naughty boys. I want a naughty man…
Over and out :)

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