Mom in a Blender

The life of a mom is like living in a blender

Prison…

Hello world, it’s been a while…

As I get older I find myself reflecting on my life more and more. I came to the conclusion, decision , whatever that I have lived in some sort of a prison for most of my life. I hate the prison. Prison represents walls, lack of freedom, loneliness, sadness, and desperation.

When I was a child my prison was my home. My mother abused me and kept me in my room. I had a room with a view where I would always look outside and dream of freedom from being hit or kicked or free from the fear of death. Windows have those panes, those panes are like prison windows.

I made it free from that prison but experienced other prisons in life.

I believe everyone lives in some sort of prison. The prison of hating what God gave us. Hate is a form of prison. As a child I hated my thick hair. Children at school always made fun of my thick hair. I don’t understand why children can be so mean. I don’t understand why people can be so mean. I don’t hate my hair today.

I used to hate my body. I always wanted to be thin like a supermodel. I have spent so many hours, days, weeks, years hating my body. I recently learned to love my body. I gave birth to beautiful daughters and I nursed them all. My body gave life and that makes my body beautiful. I feel great to feel free of the prison of hating my body.

I was married to a man who controlled me. He controlled me and I let him. I let him control me because I was afraid. Afraid or weak, probably both…

We are divorced and the day we became divorced I felt so free. So free of the prison of control. My God there is nothing like freedom. It’s kind of like Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufrene breaks free of prison.

Today, I am not free and I am afraid because I don’t know what to do. My ex husband has imposed a prison on me in regards to our child. He wants to paint a picture that I am an abusive, hate filled, horrible monster of a mother. I am none of those things but I am afraid to effectively help raise my daughter because I don’t want to be accused of something horrendous.

Any person who knows me knows I am a good mother, a good person, a person who loves, kind of a hippie. Nothing about me would preach hate, or revenge. I am a person who has the motto of live and let live.

I feel like I have had to struggle my whole life to be free of so many prisons. It gets draining to always have to fight for freedom.

We only get one life to live and it’s our obligation to ourselves to make it the best. Many people will purposely try to bring us down or put us in prisons and I just don’t get why. My daughter is 3 and I hope and pray that I will not have to live in this prison forever. It seems when one prison door opens another prison door closes. I think if I lived completely free it would feel like heaven on earth.

All I can do is be patient and wait. I am a survivor, I have survived a lot and I will survive this, but damn I am tired…

Over and out J

Online Dating…

As much as I love technology I find technology to be a curse. Especially when it comes to dating. I have dabbled in online dating for years. I have so many stories I could write a book. It’s not easy to meet people like in the past. Everyone is so damn busy the only way to try to connect with someone is through technology. I have no idea how many dating sites are out there, but there are plenty of lonely people looking for love through a computer. It’s sad but funny at the same time. I feel like I could help people with writing profiles and taking pictures. I find many people just don’t know what to say or how to take a picture without looking creepy. I have seen pictures of men with a too small t-shirt that does not even cover their gut. Getting to know someone through a dating site or through a computer is kind of like going on a job interview. I recently was called a recruiter by someone I am talking to. I laughed, but he is right! I feel like a recruiter.

With a few clicks of a button and an uploaded picture people can put themselves out there for the world to see in all their vulnerable state. I have found most men on the dating sites are only looking for sex. They are so obvious and me being the smart ass I am I call them out on it. They laugh. Of course, there are plenty of married men too in sexually unsatisfied relationships who are only there for the kids. Depressing for sure, but really?

I am forty years old and I have had young men at the tender age of 18 wanting to go out with me. Begging to go out with me. I am not a cougar, but these young men have a hard time taking no for an answer until they finally get it and sulk away with their tale in between their legs like wounded animals. Honestly, an 18 year old and a 40 year old mom with kids really won’t have much to connect on. Even on a intimate physical level.

I have connected with some interesting people through internet dating. A man who was in a sexless marriage for years stayed until his kids went to college and now it’s his time to screw whoever and whenever. We bonded over similar pasts over lunch. It was exciting to meet someone new and have good conversation. We were not looking for the same thing as far as relationship, but it was great to meet someone new who I would never have met if it were not for a dating site.

I am an attractive woman and I know men find me attractive. However, men do not approach me. I have spoken to many men who say they don’t feel comfortable walking up to a woman and talking to her. I find this so sad. We hide behind computers and texts and e-mails. To truly connect with someone on a deep level one must talk on the phone and have face to face interaction. Anyone can say anything, even without a computer. I question how many failures does one must have online dating before they give up? Honestly speaking, how many failures does it take dating without the internet and technology before a person gives up? I have so much more to reveal and I look forward to sharing my experiences. I hope sharing my experiences will help others. Sharing is caring…

Over and out :)

Honey Maid

I have done a lot of reflection about my personality. I have concluded that I am proudly rogue, unconventional, rebellious, radical, and I am quite ecstatic about it. I love stepping out of the box and open minded enough to know the world has so much potential, but there is much work that needs to be done.

I love the stories of the people in history who did not back down for the greater good of the world. Brave people who fought against the injustice of slavery and segregation and oppression of people.

I recently saw a Honey Maid commercial on television and I thought I was seeing things. The commercial depicted a Gay family. I did not look at the family and feel disgust or revulsion. I thought, wow there is a family that represents families in society. The commercial depicted another family made up of Caucasians and African Americans. I happen to be mixed so to see representation of someone like me was great and they were happy. Happy walking hand in hand black in white.  

I commend Honey Maid for in their own way showing the world that the families of today are made up of all types of people. Black and white, Gay or straight, family is beautiful and really about love and happiness. There should be no shame in loving who you love. There should be no hiding of loving who you love. The more we are exposed to all kinds of families the more people must learn to accept. When the commercial ended I felt like having a smore…

We still have such a long way to go but social media has the ability to show what deep down we already know. The cookie cutter family of the past has evolved into something more dynamic. Blended families, multicultural families, same sex families. What unites them is family and what makes them different is as basic as differences in people in general.

I hope more companies will take a hint from Honey Maid, grow some balls and spread the representation of all people who make up society.

Over and out :)

Decisions

When it comes to children and families I completely understand why many people stay in an unhappy marriage until children leave the nest. The thought is once the children leave, the parents can fly away too. In this case I have found partners stray. I am not one to say if this is right or wrong. People have to do what they think is best.

I did not want to live in an unhappy marriage even though I had children and so my spouse and I divorced. My children lived with me for years until recently my 14 year old decided to live with her father. I do not have a problem with this. I always knew the day may come.

My problem lies in my ex-husbands wife. My ex-husband and I have similar personalities. We are both laid back. I learned that my daughter’s step mother was trying to force my 14 year old daughter to use tampons. My daughter does not want to use tampons and I as her mother don’t think she should be forced. I did not use tampons until I was ready. I made my point very clearly to my daughter and her father.

I learned recently my daughter’s step mother took her to a gynecologist and upon examination the gynecologist found my daughter is not able to use tampons because her hymen is still intact. My reaction to this news was what the fuck and duh? I wanted to say why in the hell did this woman subject my daughter to this nonsense and why were my wishes not taken into consideration?

I did not reveal my thoughts to my daughter as she is sensitive and does not want to be in the middle of confrontation. I sat and thought about my poor daughter and knew I had to confront my ex-husband and his bat shit crazy wife. God bless my ex-husband, but he has no back bone. He lets his wife do and say whatever she wants. I let her know as long as I am alive those decisions should be between my daughter’s birth parents. Man I wish I did not have to confront people on something that should be common sense! My ex-husband forgot to tell me about the appointment. I can’t be mad at him…

When I was a child no one stood up for me at all. I know how that feels so I must stand up for my children. I would think being a step parent is not easy. Hell, it’s not easy being a parent. People should know their boundaries though. When the marriage fails the decision to stay or not is difficult. There is no easy answer, but shit isn’t that pretty much everything in life?

Over and out :)

Beauty

I have been told I am beautiful my whole life and as much as that is flattering, it’s not enough to be beautiful. I recently had a laugh with my friend where I told her a man I was talking to told me he thought I was beautiful. I told my friend who doesn’t think I am beautiful? I asked her not to sound conceited, but to acknowledge the fact that even though most think I am beautiful it’s not enough. They do not look past the beauty or I feel they want to destroy the beauty.

When I was a teenager I was constantly sexually harassed on my job. I ended up having sex with one of my managers and he asked me if he could cum on my face. I was sixteen. He came on my face and he seemed to really enjoy that. I did not. I will never forget it. I knew he thought I was beautiful, but I felt like him wanting to cum on my face was meant to defile the beauty. I think he succeeded.

I dated an older man in my teen age years and one day during sex he told me he wanted to fuck m in my ass. I said no, but he rolled me over and forced his dick in my ass. I was in shock and did not realize at the time I had been anally raped. This man raved about my beauty as well. Did he care about my beauty when he shoved his dick up my ass? I don’t think so. He only cared about himself. My child hood years and teen age years were such a dark period in my life. I just wanted someone to love me and take care of me. It did not happen. I was looking about it in the wrong way and so damn lost.

Recently, a “friend” asked me if he could cum on my face or my tits or fuck me in my ass. I could not help but feel let down by him asking me this. I felt like even he wanted to destroy the beauty of me. It is so disrespectful and I don’t understand why men feel they can do this to women. I don’t go around asking men if I can shove a dildo up their ass. What would I get out of it? A part of me wishes I had the balls to try asking as an experiment. Just to get the reaction that I feel when I have had such disgusting things happen to me and still get asked these questions.

I do believe beauty is only skin deep and the cum on my face is washed away and the anal rape is a memory, but the remnants of how I felt remain. Those moments haunt me because I am asked to have these things done to me today. I wish men would ask themselves, what does the woman get out of me cumming on her face or shoving my dick in her ass? If they did ask themselves these questions they would realize it’s all about them, pure fucking selfish.

Has it tainted my beauty? Not really. I try to find the humor in life events. Even the horrible ones. If someone tells me I am beautiful I politely say thank you, but deep in my core I know it does not really matter… I think what do they want to do to destroy the beauty?…

Over and out :)

Friends

I like many women do not have a great relationship with my father. Not only do I have daddy issues, but mommy issues. Both suck! One great tidbit of information my father passed on to me was a person will have very few friends in life. I always knew this was true. I have very few true friends. I have many acquaintances, but only one friend. Well, maybe two…
I know people who consider me to be their friend, but I cannot give them the same honor. I have struggled through life which I find most of us seem to be doing. Some hide their struggles, some don’t. I lived most of my live living in secret, in the closet so to speak. Hiding my troubles. It gets lonely and makes a person desperate to be around someone who can perhaps identify.
I used to work with a man and we talked often. He was married and I was married. I would say there was an attraction between us. It happens in the work place whether people want to admit it or not. I really cared for this man because I empathized with events he discussed with me in his life. I have certain rules I live by. Certain lines I will not cross. One rule is to not cheat, full around with a married man, or full around with co-workers. All those scenarios can end up quite messy.
Eventually, my co-worker left my company and every now and then we would catch up through e-mail or twitter or Facebook. It’s amazing how social media allows us to keep in touch with people. Sometimes this man would ask me out to lunch, but I always said no.
Recently, when I went through a really rough period in my life he reached out to me to get together, but I declined. We are going through similar situations in our lives which one may thing we may be experiencing the same emotions but I still was not ready to see him.
He reached out to me again and offered to take me out and I said yes. We never got to go. Something got fucked up. I don’t think men realize that women have different needs. I think women realize this, but men just think differently. At this point in my life I thought it would have been nice to develop something with this man who I knew and cared for. I admitted to him we were not friends. I think this upset him. I could not explain to him that it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend. I was hoping we could have developed a friendship as I care for him deeply and I understand him so well.
In my opinion, to call someone a friend takes a deep understanding of where a person is coming from and why they are the way they are. My thought may come off as cold, but I am not cold. I am just very careful because I have been hurt so many times in my life. In this case, I was hurt again.
Life is a roller coaster ride I am finding out. Life is filled with ups and downs and oftentimes feels like Hell on earth, but I am trying my best to enjoy the ride. One of my motto’s is I’m happy to be alive and I am. I understand why people give up and commit suicide. Thank goodness that’s not me. I have many missions in life. I have accomplished much and hate feeling sorry for myself, especially because I have one or two true friends. Sometimes writing is food for thought and helps me realize how much I should be grateful for. I still care for this person though our communication has ended and I wish him the best. I understand so well what my father said because a true friend will be there when the going gets tough, through thick and thin and it takes a lot of work to get there, work most people just are not up for the job…
Over and out :)

Nothing but sex…

Betrayal is a bitch. A fucking bitch. I have been separated for over a year. During the separation I remained true. I have never strayed in more than seven years. The day I committed myself I owed it to him to remain faithful. Now during this year of separation I heard declarations of undying love, unwavering loyalty, I need you. All those statements gave me the impression we were working toward reconciliation. So I up help my end of the bargain of love, loyalty.
I knew he tried to go out with someone else and I appreciated his honesty. He said they never had sex. I believed him. Why should I not? He had lied to me before in the beginning of our relationship, but I thought he had learned from those mistakes…
Through the year I always felt he had fucked someone else. I asked him point blank. He always said no. I recently reached my limit with his fucked up treatment of me and I told him out of respect that I was interested in seeing another person. I told him I developed feelings for this person. I felt like I owed it to the both of them to be honest. I was then accused of having feelings for this person all along and doing things I had not done. I felt like it was unfair. I heard pleas of I will be the man you want me to be. I will give you everything. Don’t leave me. I thought to myself too little too late. How long does a man need to be a man? I think seven years if plenty of time…
I asked him again if he had sex with another woman during this year. He admitted to me yes, but it was “nothing but sex” and it was over. What the fuck is that? I have not fucked another man! I get grief over talking to a man who I have not fucked, but he fucked a woman and it was nothing but sex. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I was manipulated into continuing to have hope. If a person tells me he loves me undyingly, has unwavering loyalty, says he needs me and fucks another woman more than once because it was nothing but sex makes me know everything he said was not true. A fucking lie. I feel like I was a puppet. Like my life was put on hold for his own fucking amusement and pleasure.
He asked me if I was seeing someone from work. I don’t do that. I don’t waver. He asked me if I was seeing my married friend. I don’t do that. I don’t waver. My married friend and I could not help but laugh… Even in this situation I can find humor. It’s like he does not know me. He is weak and I am strong. He hates this. He admitted to me he cannot be nice. That’s completely fucked up, but people who walk around hiding who they are, are eventually revealed…
This year he lost his passport while traveling and was stuck in another country. He called me to help him out and blew up my e-mail and phone with sweet nothing bullshit of I love you, I need you, I can’t live without you. Not even his sister helped him. Now that I know he had a fuck buddy I wonder where the fuck was she when he was stuck. Oh ya, nothing but sex.
Many people do not know I married this man so he could be a citizen of the great USA! The great USA he loves to complain about and compare how fucked up Americans are and how wonderful his fucking country is. In many situations money is exchanged for an American to help someone that way. I asked him for nothing. Not one fucking thing. Well, I asked him to be nice. Yes, some people need to be asked to be nice. Zero follow through.
So in a seven year time span he is a bona fide citizen of this great country. God bless the USA. He went from making 20 thousand a year to a six figure salary. He has a beautiful daughter. He was given real estate and these things would not have happened without me. He would often tell me I was his best friend. I could not bestow that status upon him. He hated I did not write about him. I cannot write fiction. He always talked about greatness. Greatness does not fall in a person’s lap…
Sex is never nothing. That is why I refrained this year. Trust is forever broken. Actions speak louder than words. When I have sex it will be something and my conscience will be clear. I don’t just jump into bed with someone and I know sex is different for women than men.
In this final act of love a statement of sex is nothing is actually everything and the nail in the coffin. I am done messing with naughty boys. I want a naughty man…
Over and out :)

Taken for granted

So many people take what they have for granted. It’s shameful. Each of my children is a blessing. I look at my children with such amazement. I do not raise my children based on reading textbooks or manuals or even science. I raise them by energy. I would probably have a hard time explaining. I am a sensory person. I sense energy of people. So many people hide what they are, but it’s hard to hide energy.
People always say one thing and do something else. Eventually, the talking gets old and I am left wondering when people will walk the walk…
Some people are so forceful and stubborn and know it alls that in order for them to see what a person of wisdom says is true they must face it themselves. Unfortunately, this impacts innocent people. Even children. I don’t know my birth parents. My only true blood relatives are my children. I do not take this for granted. I see people who take their blood relatives for granted. I think to myself how lucky they are to know their mom and dad, but yet they treat them like shit…
My youngest daughter was conceived through natural cycle invitro fertilization. The odds of me becoming pregnant through this method were so slim. When I learned I was pregnant I had to follow very careful steps to carry this miracle to term. I have always been careful in my pregnancies, but this pregnancy I felt like I was carrying the most precious china. The pregnancy took a toll on my body. I was sick all the time and I always felt like I had to pass out. I would be driving down the road and the world would suddenly go black. Pretty fucking scary.
The day of delivery I passed out completely, but I did my mission. I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Though she was not inside of me anymore, the bond was not broken. The bond can never be broken. As much as a father may love their children, the mother bond is way greater because mother and child are one for so long. I don’t think my daughter’s father understands this, but one day he will…
He was blessed with a miracle baby and he has no idea what he has. He is blessed with an amazing job, amazing parents who love him and a sister and family who love him. He also had me, but now I am gone. I am outside looking in at my miracle baby. My baby who is gone because of everything being taken for granted. She is not with me physically often, but spiritually we are linked. I know she suffers and I am powerless to stop it. The time we share is quality over quantity and I give her my energy so when we are apart she will still feel me with her.
I don’t know everything in life. I am not supposed to. Life should have some surprise. I know I don’t take what I have for granted. I don’t take my job, my friends, my children, my love, my life for granted. I want to share myself with people who appreciate my energy and who won’t take me for granted. I am on my way to doing so and I feel fucking amazing…
Over and out :)

Sexual Sabotage

Dealing with people is so complicated, but it should not have to be. People want to get into relationships, but when they find the person they are crazy about, they begin to sabotage the relationship. Self esteem issues kick in, lack of confidence, lack of trust, sexual complications. The list is endless.
Everyone has a past whether people like it or not. Most of the time people have had past relationships. Those relationships are past for a reason. It’s stupid to dwell on the past and throw your partners past in their face. I personally don’t want to think of my exes; maybe I want to forget them. That’s a great way to sabotage a relationship.
Men and women are different. Women don’t really know what arouses a man any more than a man knows what arouses a woman. There have been times in my past where I have been with men who could not maintain an erection. At first I thought it was me and I felt unattractive, but today if I happen to run across a man who has trouble maintaining an erection I won’t feel that way. I don’t understand what men like in women. I talk to men who don’t care about cellulite or love handles. Two things I happen to possess. I don’t understand how this can be when all the porn women and Playboy centerfolds look perfect. Would Playboy sales drop if they put a woman like me as a centerfold? Probably… It’s confusing.
Recently, I talked to a friend whose boyfriend was having trouble maintaining an erection. He tried to twist it onto her and that really pisses me off. I really hate when people try to push their insecurities onto other people. Things have been going great for these two but the sexual sabotage is starting to rear its ugly head. It’s not like we as woman can identify. The only time in my life I experienced non arousal was when my husband at the time pushed me to my limit with his secret porn addiction. I was so disgusted and hurt I just could not be aroused by him. Sometimes I have trouble cumming and it’s so fucking frustrating. Men take that shit personally and I want to scream, “It’s not your fucking fault! Shit happens let’s just enjoy the closeness.” I have a friend who has the same issue sometimes so thank God I am not the only one. I knew I wasn’t anyway.
Another sabotage of relationships is communication. We are not mind readers. If I am comfortable with my partner I will speak my mind. I can be quite the chatterbox to someone willing to listen. I also ask questions. Good ones! I like to be an open book and I like my partner to be. If I want to know something I ask. If I want to say something I will say it. I don’t want to try to mind control my partner into wanting him to ask me questions. That’s fucking ludicrous. My friend’s boyfriend gets upset because she does not ask him questions about himself. If he wants her to know something he needs to open his fucking mouth and say it. Common sense right? I swear most adults are so damn dumb!
In relationships sometimes you have to crack a dozen eggs to get that omelet. Sex and communication can destroy relationships and it’s fucking crazy. Maybe that’s why man people just don’t get into relationships. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t beat around the bush and be happy. Life is about sharing and harmony, but that’s just my two cents…
Over and out :)

Conseqeunces

Life whether we like it or not is about making decisions and facing the consequences of those decisions. I have made some fucked up decisions in my life and I have faced all the consequences. Through it all I have kept my head held high and tried to make the best of everything I have done. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or say poor you or talk about me behind my back. I can’t go back and change the things I have done and through it all I can say I am pretty fucking happy. Through my shit I have found joy. It has not been easy, but I do what I can.
I am sure people from the outside looking in think bull shit about the way I handle my business. It’s their fucking right to think that shit, but they don’t walk in my shoes. I am not even complaining.
The father of my two year old always yelled at me and my children. I used to pick him up from the metro. He would complain about my driving all the time. That shit got on my nerves! One day a car was coming and to get out of the way of the car I hit a mail box. He started yelling at me asking why I hit the mailbox. I was like what the fuck, it’s not like I tried to hit the damn mailbox! I felt bad enough about it. I am not the world’s best driver and I certainly will never profess to be. People make mistakes and I was already beating myself up about it. His yelling was the icing on a very nasty tasting cake. I do love cake by the way. He would not leave it alone. Kept yelling and shit. I was like thanks for the appreciation of me picking your ass up from the metro every damn day!
I eventually told him I was not going to take him to the metro or pick him up anymore. I hate doing favors for people and getting shit on. He was offended. I am not Mother Theresa though some people think I should be…
Today, we do not live together. My two year old recently started a day care in Washington DC near her father’s job. He placed her in this day care because he thinks it’s important for a two year old to socialize and learn as much as possible. He wants her to learn five languages and hopes that one day she will be the president of Bolivia. I just roll my eyes and think my poor baby. She is no Einstein and I don’t want her to be. I want her to socialize with other children, but two is not necessary. I cannot fight a battle I will not win. He always said he wants me to be happy. He never understood what makes me happy is being around my children and living in a calm environment.
Now, I only have one child in my care. My older daughter is off doing her thing. God bless her. My two year old is very sad because she misses her mother. Her mother who she saw every day. Her mother who understands her more than any other person in the world. He must face the consequence of his actions as I have faced all my consequences. His daughter will not be happy and her happiness means the world to him. He wanted me to be happy, but on his terms. Trips and money do not make me happy. Especially, if I am yelled at on trips or if I am yelled at because I spend money on a Halloween party for school.
As I always say, I face the consequences of my decisions and I make the best I can out of this life. Many people blame others for their mistakes and don’t look at themselves. Self-awareness is magical and the key to change behavior, but it is not easy…
All I can do is hope for the best…
Over and out :)

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