Mom in a Blender

The life of a mom is like living in a blender

Sexual Harassment

For as long as I can remember I have been sexually harassed. During the election mudslinging as I call it and the revelations of Donald Trump sexually harassing women through the years and all the uproar around the allegations I found myself reflecting on my own experiences with men through the years.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where people harass each other. People harass each other for having different opinions, different skin color, outrageous I know, harassment for who they love and harassment just for gender. It’s sad really…

I won’t go into all the times I have been sexually harassed as there is no point. I will go into a few recent instances that left me feeling sick to my stomach.

I am an attractive woman. I cannot lie and say I am ugly. I happen to have a large busom. It is what it is. I work for a company where we achieved a prestigious award. For achieving this award the company threw a big celebration for everyone in the company at a very nice venue. We were required to dress nice for the occasion and I wore I pretty blue dress with heels. The dress I chose showed some cleavage but nothing outrageous as the venue was professional. I dress classy regardless as I am a 43 year old mom of three.

The event took place on a Monday during working hours so the workday started off as usual and then everyone would eventually proceed to the event. During our Monday morning kickoff everyone talks about their weekend and what they did. One male coworker talked how he took his wife out and how they had a really nice week end together. I listened to him talk and I remarked to myself how nice to have spent a nice weekend with his spouse. I was so very happy for him, for them.

A couple hours later this coworker and I happened to be walking side by side and he put his arm around me as what I thought was a warm gesture as we have worked together for years and he whispered to me, “one day I would really love to grab your breasts.” Wow I thought and shrunk away. I was so bothered and felt so let down as I thought how could he talk about the great time he had with his wife and then disrespect her and me at the same time? I said nothing. That’s what many of us do…

A couple months after this happened I came to work wearing an orange skirt. I love fashion! I love dressing pretty and wearing high heels. I received many nice compliments on my orange skirt and one that just well, again left me feeling sick to my stomach. A different married coworker who I have known for years liked my orange skirt so much he offered me $500 to have sex with him! I told him that would make me a prostitute which I am not. I was so bothered by what he said. This actually happened around the allegations about Donald Trump came out.

I thought long and hard about the remark from my coworker and the next day we happened to be alone in the office I asked him if I could speak to him. I told him how his comment made me feel. I asked him how he would feel if his wife came home and told him someone made that comment to her. He really had no idea how hurtful the comment was or harassing. He believed he was giving me a compliment which I believe he really thought. He felt so awful and thanked me for opening his eyes and he meant it.

Both of those instances I could have gotten those men fired but I happen to be forgiving and recognize when it comes to men and women the thinking and behavior is different and sometimes instead of attacking we must have a conversation.

I am not married and I am often getting approached by married men who see me as this beautiful woman and want to give me pleasure. They do not seem to understand why would I want a married man to give me pleasure? How can I take pleasure in deceit? The thought is the exact opposite of pleasure. I am not on this earth to be a married man’s escape or his fantasy. Yes, it is flattering men find me attractive. No I will not sleep with them or allow them to touch me or pay me for sex because they find me attractive. I just think of their poor wives at home. I would not want my spouse taking me out for dinner and then going to work harassing women…

That’s just my two cents.

 

Come as you are

I believe racism, discrimination, and hatred or any kind of exclusion or mistreatment of anyone is ridiculous.

I was born to a Caucasian woman and an African American man. I cannot help who I was born to anymore than my hair or eye color or even my height. It is what it is. I accept this. Many in my path do not.

The day I was born my Caucasian mother gave me up for adoption. Raising a African American baby in the south in 1973 was just not acceptable.

I was adopted into an African American household. A household where my adopted mother’s family hated me. They hated me because my birth mother was Caucasian. Why hate a baby or anyone for that matter for any reason, especially for something beyond their control?

Growing up my African American adopted mother always talked about the struggles of African Americans and always talked poorly of Caucasian people and tried to make me feel like I was less of a person because my birth mother was Caucasian. My African American adopted mother abused me physically and emotionally for years.

I have never and will never think less of my birth mother because she is Caucasian. I will never think less of my African American adopted mother because she is African American. I view all as people. I love all as people. They are who they are, it is what it is.

I cannot hate where I came from because I come from black and white.

I believe too many people dislike what they do not know. I believe we can all learn from each other if we just take the steps to educate instead of immediate hate.

I recently watched a documentary on HBO about transgender people. I watched to educate myself on transgender because I always say knowledge is power. I looked at the beautiful people speaking of their experiences and smiled because I simply saw beautiful people expressing thoughts and feelings. God’s children. I thought to myself what would it matter to me if a person was born a girl and felt they were really a boy or if a person decides to dress as feminine one day and masculine another? Who am I or anyone to say that is wrong? Live and let live. Be happy. It’s so simple but so many live complicated and in their complication they lash out with hatred. Love is the path…

I thank God I did not grow to hate my Caucasian birth mother or Caucasian people because I would have hated myself. A piece of me. I am glad I did not grow to hate my African American adopted parents and their families because my birth father is African American and I would have hated myself. A piece of me.

The world would be a better place with less hate and more tolerance and acceptance. Instead of looking at people and labeling them abominations or less than human or not worthy, it would be amazing if we could look at people as just what they are. People trying to circumvent this crazy world just like everyone else.

Live and let live, come as you are and enjoy the ride of life!

God Bless!

 

Peace

Blissful morning listening to Joel Osteen. God Bless everyone❤

Happy New Year

I am not one to make New Year’s resolutions. My thought is every day we all have a chance to do something right or make a change for the better. Every day!

This year is no different for me. I will and do reflect on the year.

Upon my reflection I thought my year was filled with good and bad. Really good and really bad, but I made it.

I will start with the election. Donald Trump won to my complete surprise but I am not devastated. I think history was again made. To think a person with no political history and no political family dynasty became president of the United States is pretty damn incredible. To the people who are so upset by this I state a person does not make your life. It is in you. Before President Obama became president I was living in the same house, working the same job, I was shaping my own future and destiny. I am happy history was made with Obama. I am happy history is made with Trump. I am happy to be alive.

I find it sad people get so upset over things they have no control over.

In a perfect world I would have been born to parents who loved me and did not abuse me and told me Yes I Can do anything. That is not my story. Do I bury my head in the sand and say my life is over? No! I fight and claw and say fuck you, Yes I Can do anything I set my mind to. The fire is in all of us. I am trying to teach my children this. They look at me like I am crazy but it will not stop me from planting the seeds of greatness in them. Stoking the fire in them.

I took my daughter to the Underground Railroad Trail on New Year’s Eve. Strange way to spend New Year’s Eve I must say but I felt like I wanted to be in a place where bravery, courage, strength, and determination happened for so many. As I walked the trail I imagined myself in a runaway slave’s mind. I imagined them barefoot in the dark, afraid, but perhaps excited to be free. To be free of being owned, abused, and mistreated.

I thought to myself how awful it must have felt to be treated worse than an animal. Today, we have come far but we have such a long way to go. Sometimes I see someone and I exclaim I love them to my daughter. My daughter says, “mom you love everyone.” She is right. I do love all people. Some find this hard to believe but with time they see it is true.

Love is the way to heal. I know this from experience and I will spread love to as many as I can.

I will end this with declaring Happy New Year to all. May whoever reads this have a year and life filled with love, magic, peace and a fire to know you have the power to do whatever you want. Be happy!

God Bless!

 

Little things in life

My life is like the lyrics of the Led Zeppelin song good times bad times, you know I’ve had my share…

I find the little things in life bring me such joy and they are not really little things, but they may be little to some people. I like many people in the world am a single parent. A single parent who works a full time job struggling to make ends meet and conquer my piece of the world on my own.

For the past few years I have battled my ex husband who uses threats to scare me. I don’t know any other way to explain it. Threatening people is a way to scare them. He has promised to help me financially which he does not and I don’t expect him to. I am a proud, independent woman.

I had some plumbing issues in my house, a leaky sink here, a leaky pipe there, and a leaky toilet. I thought oh man why and why all at once and when will I stop finding leaks and how much is this going to cost me? Plumbers are expensive. I spoke to a coworker who suggested I ask our engineer if he would be willing to fix my leaks and toilet and I in turn would bake him his own batch of cookies. My home baked cookies are delicious! He agreed. Unfortunately, he never came through for me but I baked him cookies. Isn’t that a crazy thing in life where you hold up your end of a bargain but the other party does not? So what did I do? I said, I will do it myself. I had changed the guts of a toilet before but it had been years. It was like riding a bike. I fixed my leaking toilet and I fixed a clog from under my bathroom sink and I fixed some leaking pipes in my basement. I smiled in satisfaction and pride over the success! If I could be a plumber as a trade I surely would, even though it is kind of gross.

I noticed my electric bill was high and it down right depressed me. I have to heat the house as I have kids and I don’t want to freeze them to death but damn the electric bill makes me want to cry. I figured out I was paying too much for kilowatts at .13 and called the energy company and got the rate to .08. I wish I figured that out at the start of the winter instead of the end, but live and learn. I am just happy I figured it out as no one really talks about kilowatt rates, not at least anyone I know.

For the first time in three years I decided to get my yard mulched. My yard looked so naked and awful where my mulch had worn away so much the weed underlay was showing. When I called the landscaper for the area and got an estimate for the cost to mulch I was blown away by the price. I said screw it and felt the need to help a local business and got my mulch done. I was super excited when I saw the landscaper pull up with the fresh mulch! There is nothing like the smell of fresh mulch. As the landscapers shoveled the mulch in my yard I kept looking out the window with a huge smile on my face saying to my daughter, “I am so happy! I am so happy!” My daughter looked at me like I was crazy but I tell her I am crazy. I admit my insanity.

Recently, my air conditioner stopped working. I need air conditioner! I get so hot I sleep with a fan on even in the winter. The Friday night I noticed my air conditioner was not working I frantically tried to find a tutorial on You Tube. You Tube has everything! I also have a saying, when in doubt, Google it out! I unscrewed the panels to the outside air conditioner unit, sweating like a mad woman, cursing because I was in a tight space and it was hot as shit, trying not to electrocute myself my daughter was calling me to make sure I was still alive. I am glad she was concerned as I myself did not feel like dying at that moment or any time soon. I could not get the air conditioner fixed and went to bed hot as shit and restlessly slept.

Saturday morning I called multiple places and got no answer. I was really panicking because I did not know how I would survive the week end hot as shit! I finally reached a company and scheduled a tech to come out. 134 bucks just for him to come look! He figured out a fuse was blown and told me the cost to replace the fuse was 81 bucks! I said wtf? He laughed as everyone tends to laugh at me. He changed the fuse and said he would stick around to make sure that was the only issue. Twenty minutes later he asked me if I wanted to keep the fuse. I looked at him and said hell yes, are you crazy? He laughed again and was nice enough to give me a little discount on the total bill. I told him he made my day and I really meant it. Now when I come home and feel the nice cool house I let out a great big ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Finally, I have a tree in my yard that was out of control! I am a do it your selfer to a great extent, but tree cutting is not my thing. I would probably end up chopping my arm or leg off in the process. I called a tree cutting guy who gave me an estimate to cut my tree. The estimate he gave me was steep but I really needed to get the tree done. At first I said no, but the next day I asked if he would take 50 bucks off his asking price. I work in sales so I have learned the art of negotiation. He agreed and we made a deal. He said he would take great care of me and today was the tree cutting day. I drove home in anticipation of how my tree would look. When I got out of my car I looked at my tree and was so happy! He did a great job. I sent him a text of thanks and said I would kiss him if I could I was so happy.

Some people may look at mulch, plumbing, air conditioner and tree cutting as ordinary things in life, but I look at these things as happiness and smiles. I work very hard and I have had my share of good times and bad and I still do. I look to the little things to make me smile and I am thankful I have made it this far.

 

Fear

I am always reflecting on my life. Upon reflection I find I have lived most of my life in fear. How sad is that? I find it awfully sad.

As a child I lived in fear of my mother. My mother who would put me in a clothes dryer and turn it on, a mother who would take knives after me, throw me down flights of steps, try to drown me and come to my room in the middle of the night to punch me. I was afraid to go to sleep. To this day I don’t sleep deep. I have night mares that scare me. I fear I will die in my sleep of a heart attack because I get so afraid in my dreams.

I lived my teen age years and my twenties in fear because of something I had done. I paid the consequences for my actions but felt such shame and fear of judgment. Surprisingly, the people who judged me the most were my family. Oh, family!

I was robbed when I was in my early twenties. The robber knew where I worked and stole my car keys with my apartment keys. For a time I lived in fear he would come after me. Changing the locks of my apartment helped, but I was still afraid for a time.

I married a man who has a terrible temper. I am very patient and forgiving. I think there must be something wrong with me that I forgive people who hurt me. I fear these people who hurt me but I forgive them. I forgive them in hopes they will get it right and stop hurting me.

When I was married my husband would get so angry he would punch holes in walls, chase me around trying to prevent me from locking myself in a room to get away he would bust doors. The day of our baby shower he chased me around while I was 7 months pregnant calling me a bitch and a whore. I was so used to the name calling it just did not faze me but I knew I needed to get away from the infection of his anger.

We do not live together anymore but I am afraid. I always tell people one never knows what someone is capable of doing. I come from a mother who tried to kill me. In a perfect world people should not have to fear their mother.

When my ex husband recently told me I am the worst mother and worst human being ever I did not respond. If I did respond I know he would just get nastier and nastier. When I leave my house I don’t feel safe. When I go to work I don’t feel safe. I am so tired of living in fear.

When I was a child I would pray to God that my mother would die. I just wanted her to die so she would stop hurting me, so I could feel safe. God did not answer my prayer. I am ok with this. I don’t pray for my ex husband to die as I know that is wrong. I pray he will leave me alone, stop threatening me, I pray he will come to some epiphany that people don’t go around threatening people.

I am not a perfect person, but I also think considering where I came from I’ve done a pretty good job. People like me who come from abusive homes are not dealt a solid starting foundation for life. I am not a perfect parent but I come from a mother who tried to kill me and a father who was never home. I can say I am a loving mother to my children and I have always worked my schedule to be home for my children as much as possible.

In spite of all the hardships I deal with I am thankful to be alive and well. Living in fear is not fun, but I would rather be alive living in fear than dead and feeling nothing. That’s why I never give up.

 

 

Coward

I am reading a book called Bushido The Way of the Samurai. I have always been fascinated with Japanese culture and reading about the Samurai I am more fascinated than ever. I decided to study the glossary terms in the book and saw the word coward. A coward is one who shows fear when faced with pain or danger. For a Samurai a coward denotes social and inner failure.

I am no Samurai but I strive to not be a coward.

Reading this passage makes me reflect on people in my life. Prominent people in my life who behave in a cowardly manner. I have made mistakes in my life. I am not perfect, who is? I have owned up to my mistakes and faced my consequences because I do not want to be a coward.

When I became separated my estranged spouse would threaten me. To threaten a person is a cowardly thing to do. He threatened me with the car that I drove. His name was still on the car note. The car note I was paying. I immediately sold the car to get a car with my name on the note. Peace of mind is amazing.

Said estranged spouse threatened me with forcing me to have to sell my house that I had lived in and owned before meeting him. A house that my children grew up in. A house where I pay the mortgage and fight and claw to keep so my children can live in stability. Estranged spouse said I would never be able to refinance to take over payment. A coward will tell someone they can never do something. If someone tells me I can never do something I show them I can and I will. By the grace of God I refinanced my house.

Today, I am divorced but ex spouse still continues to threaten me, bullies me, behaves like a coward to me by threatening me with our child. He recently told me I will never see my child again. That is the painful last straw. Who threatens a person all the time? Only a coward, a person who is afraid, a person who is a failure.

When I was married my ex husband always insulted me, called me names, insulted my parenting style, went so far as to say I purposely abused our child to get back at him. However, when he needs help he calls me and I help him. The Bushido book discusses that when it comes to loyalty and people many will ask for your help when they are in trouble, but when they are not in trouble they forget you. How many of us experience this lack of loyalty?

My ex husband tried to call me to allow me to see my daughter. He does not have the power anymore. I am so tired of being threatened with I will never see my daughter again and then do you want to see your daughter. I am living in a situation where I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t. I received an e-mail stating I am the worst mother and human being in life. Only my ex insults me in such way.

I cannot be held hostage by this coward.

As stated previously, I am no Samurai though the way of the Samurai is rather honorable in many aspects. I am not a coward and I am tired of being bullied by people who I see as weak because when they don’t get their way they resort to name calling, lying and attacks.

So much of my life I have felt alone on a raft kind of like Thumbelina who is small and mighty but because I am small giants attack and I am often alone in my fight. It’s kind of lonely. I have lived almost 43 years not being a coward and I won’t start today.

Maybe we can all learn something from the Samurai way. I know I can.

February 14, 1991

February 14, 1991. Thursday. Valentine’s Day. A day that would change her life for the rest of her life. She was 17 and dying to be a typical teenager but her life was far from typical. She went to school, worked a part time job and was desperate to escape her fucked up family life.

Early child abuse at the hands of her mother and no safe refuge in the arms of a loving father forced her into searching for someone, anyone who would rescue her and give her love.

She found love in all the wrong places, wrong arms, wrong voices, wrong everything and she knew it but was so broken down and willing to take any glimpse of attention and affection that she put herself in fucked up situations.

She was involved with an older man, older not by much, he was 21. He was 21 with two children by two different women. One of the women was his estranged wife who he happened to be living with. Living with and having sex with. He impregnated her after he impregnated his girlfriend who he broke up with. His girlfriend who called her and told her that they had sex. She had been warned…

It’s funny how people ignore those warning signs. I bet even if she saw big neon lights that blinked RUN RUN RUN she would not have ran. I bet she would have ignored the lights because she would strive for freedom at any price, even at the expense of her own life and others…

She had a rocky relationship with this man, naturally, but on that February 14th he drove up and she snuck out of her house and went with him for a secret rendezvous. She was not on birth control but she knew she did not want to get pregnant. She took precautions against pregnancy and she absolutely did take precautions that February 14, 1991. She knew he loved her sex. He loved her on top. In the heat of their moment she asked him “where do you want it?” He said in a panting, breathless voice, “in your pussy, in your ass, in your mouth, anywhere.” She did not like it in her ass, this same said guy had anally raped her one day but that’s a story for another time.

She eased herself onto him and rode him the way her liked and in that moment she knew something was different. Something was different that would change her life forever…

Looking back I bet people always think why did I do this? Why did I do that? Why did I not see that? The truth is people ignore what is right in front of their face. They ignore the warning signs. Ignorance leads to consequences. Consequences she had to face and live with for the rest of her life because she was so in need of love on the February 14, 1991 that did change her life forever…

 

When Sara died…

It was a Friday. Just like any other day of the week. I get up and get ready for work and my phone buzzed. I glanced at my phone and saw a text from my aunt that my grandmother’s time was coming to an end. I braced myself and in a daze went to work and tried to function as normal with that news in the back of my mind.
Towards the end of the day I informed my boss about my grandmother and he told me to keep him posted.
When I got home from work I was sitting in the kitchen and my phone buzzed. I glanced down at the phone with a sense of dread and saw a text from my aunt my grandmother had passed. For a quick instant I felt shattered. My relationship with my family on my mother’s side is fragile. Things happened between us that are painful. I happened to share the same birthday as my grandmother and our birthday’s had just passed. She was 93 so I knew and understood it was her time, but I also had to decide if I would go to her funeral. I questioned did I have the strength to face people who hurt me as a child?
I texted my boss about my grandmother and he responded for me to keep him posted on what I would do. I tried to go through the motions of the week end like normal. I spoke to my mother and she told me she would really love it if I went to the funeral. I struggled all week end over what I would do.
Sunday night I received a cryptic message from my boss’s boss about a conference call at 7:30 in the morning for all my coworkers. My boss was not on the message and I knew something was wrong. I just did not know what. I texted my boss, “are you ok?” No response.
I texted my coworker and asked her if she knew anything. She responded she would tell me in the morning. I still felt a sense of dread and I told her of the passing of my grandmother. She texted condolences and we agreed to speak in the morning.
After tossing and turning through the night I got up Monday morning still struggling over the passing of my grandmother and fearful of what I would face at work.
My coworker came in and called me into the office. She said, “Sara died.” At that moment I felt like a china doll shattering and said, “No, no, no.” Sara was the longtime girlfriend of my boss. Sara was 28. Sara was dead? No, no, no, but it was true. My coworkers and I learned on the conference call it was true. Sara was dead. I did not know Sara but I heard a lot of Sara and she was 28. Her age kept going through my mind. I knew with my boss gone for the week I had to keep it together for him and the team. It was that day I decided to attend my grandmother’s funeral. I was afraid of facing my mother’s family alone, but I also face my fears.
I trudged through the week in a daze. Each day I was asking myself am I dreaming? I was not dreaming.
I did attend the funeral of my grandmother and I was glad I did. I saw family I don’t often see. Funerals tend to be like crazy family reunion’s where you gather together for a sad event but it is also joyous because you see family you would otherwise not see. I sat during the service observing different reactions, emotions and reached the conclusion all families have some dysfunction. No family is perfect and whatever pained caused in the past is forgiven.
I was told by family members who were with my grandmother when I called her to tell her happy birthday her face lit up in happiness over the call. I had not called her to tell her happy birthday in years. I was happy I was able to tell her one last happy birthday and she was able to tell me one last happy birthday.
Death is so final, whether someone is 93 or 28, it’s final. I found myself thinking of Sara often. Thinking Sara would never feel the sun shine again. I am mindful of the sun. I love the sun. I thought of my boss and when he would laugh again. I love his laugh. My boss is private with his feelings. I have heard him laugh but it is not the same. Sara will not hear him laugh.
When Sara died life as I knew it changed and I had not even met Sara. I like to think Sara is watching out for my boss and looking down on him and shining. I know his life changed and that is life as we know it…

It takes a village…

The old saying it takes a village to raise a child is great, but what if the village is comprised of people who hate? What if the village is comprised of just plain ignorance? Hate and ignorance is a disease.

If communities or villages are filled with people who hate and promote ignorance the children will grow up to be hate filled and ignorant. Is it the fault of the child? No.

I grew up in a very abusive environment. My mother tried to kill me many times. I prayed to God she would die. I prayed so very hard and I asked God to forgive me for praying such a horrendous thing but I wanted to stop fearing for my life.

I was one of those kids who thought about killing their mother because I could not take being abused. I felt it was her or me. My mother was so strong and I was so afraid and I truthfully did not have the hate in my heart or enough desperation to kill her. I understand the children who do kill their parents.

When I read the stories in the media of people who kill people because they are a different race or different lifestyle or whatever, I cannot help but feel those perpetrators of violence suffer from the affliction of the disease of hate or mental illness they have been subjected to from their village. Who is to blame?

If all a person or child sees is hate growing up, how does anyone expect that child to grow up not hating?

If all a person sees is evil, how does anyone expect that person to not be anything but evil? That’s the reality no one wants to accept.

No one from my family wants to accept the fact that because I was abused I have to fight harder to not be hate filled. I have to fight harder to trust people. My village did not protect me.

I am not saying the people who hurt others should not face consequences. They absolutely should, but if people really looked at where these violent people came from they would see many are guilty for contributing to the creation of that person.

I once told my mother I wanted to become a meteorologist. My mother said I was not smart enough to become a meteorologist. She said my sisters were smart enough to become doctors and lawyers, but not me.

I thought to myself, wow thanks for the encouragement and for crushing my dream. Today, I know I can do anything I want to do. I am determined like that but I had to fight hard to get to this mentality. I am hard headed, thank God for that.

My point of this is hate breeds hate and love breeds love. Sometimes we have to look at a very sad situation on a deeper level and instead of looking for vengeance look for ways to break through the barrier of hate in the villages that are encouraging hate. The responsibility falls on everyone.

Over and out

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