Mom in a Blender

The life of a mom is like living in a blender

Little things in life

My life is like the lyrics of the Led Zeppelin song good times bad times, you know I’ve had my share…

I find the little things in life bring me such joy and they are not really little things, but they may be little to some people. I like many people in the world am a single parent. A single parent who works a full time job struggling to make ends meet and conquer my piece of the world on my own.

For the past few years I have battled my ex husband who uses threats to scare me. I don’t know any other way to explain it. Threatening people is a way to scare them. He has promised to help me financially which he does not and I don’t expect him to. I am a proud, independent woman.

I had some plumbing issues in my house, a leaky sink here, a leaky pipe there, and a leaky toilet. I thought oh man why and why all at once and when will I stop finding leaks and how much is this going to cost me? Plumbers are expensive. I spoke to a coworker who suggested I ask our engineer if he would be willing to fix my leaks and toilet and I in turn would bake him his own batch of cookies. My home baked cookies are delicious! He agreed. Unfortunately, he never came through for me but I baked him cookies. Isn’t that a crazy thing in life where you hold up your end of a bargain but the other party does not? So what did I do? I said, I will do it myself. I had changed the guts of a toilet before but it had been years. It was like riding a bike. I fixed my leaking toilet and I fixed a clog from under my bathroom sink and I fixed some leaking pipes in my basement. I smiled in satisfaction and pride over the success! If I could be a plumber as a trade I surely would, even though it is kind of gross.

I noticed my electric bill was high and it down right depressed me. I have to heat the house as I have kids and I don’t want to freeze them to death but damn the electric bill makes me want to cry. I figured out I was paying too much for kilowatts at .13 and called the energy company and got the rate to .08. I wish I figured that out at the start of the winter instead of the end, but live and learn. I am just happy I figured it out as no one really talks about kilowatt rates, not at least anyone I know.

For the first time in three years I decided to get my yard mulched. My yard looked so naked and awful where my mulch had worn away so much the weed underlay was showing. When I called the landscaper for the area and got an estimate for the cost to mulch I was blown away by the price. I said screw it and felt the need to help a local business and got my mulch done. I was super excited when I saw the landscaper pull up with the fresh mulch! There is nothing like the smell of fresh mulch. As the landscapers shoveled the mulch in my yard I kept looking out the window with a huge smile on my face saying to my daughter, “I am so happy! I am so happy!” My daughter looked at me like I was crazy but I tell her I am crazy. I admit my insanity.

Recently, my air conditioner stopped working. I need air conditioner! I get so hot I sleep with a fan on even in the winter. The Friday night I noticed my air conditioner was not working I frantically tried to find a tutorial on You Tube. You Tube has everything! I also have a saying, when in doubt, Google it out! I unscrewed the panels to the outside air conditioner unit, sweating like a mad woman, cursing because I was in a tight space and it was hot as shit, trying not to electrocute myself my daughter was calling me to make sure I was still alive. I am glad she was concerned as I myself did not feel like dying at that moment or any time soon. I could not get the air conditioner fixed and went to bed hot as shit and restlessly slept.

Saturday morning I called multiple places and got no answer. I was really panicking because I did not know how I would survive the week end hot as shit! I finally reached a company and scheduled a tech to come out. 134 bucks just for him to come look! He figured out a fuse was blown and told me the cost to replace the fuse was 81 bucks! I said wtf? He laughed as everyone tends to laugh at me. He changed the fuse and said he would stick around to make sure that was the only issue. Twenty minutes later he asked me if I wanted to keep the fuse. I looked at him and said hell yes, are you crazy? He laughed again and was nice enough to give me a little discount on the total bill. I told him he made my day and I really meant it. Now when I come home and feel the nice cool house I let out a great big ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Finally, I have a tree in my yard that was out of control! I am a do it your selfer to a great extent, but tree cutting is not my thing. I would probably end up chopping my arm or leg off in the process. I called a tree cutting guy who gave me an estimate to cut my tree. The estimate he gave me was steep but I really needed to get the tree done. At first I said no, but the next day I asked if he would take 50 bucks off his asking price. I work in sales so I have learned the art of negotiation. He agreed and we made a deal. He said he would take great care of me and today was the tree cutting day. I drove home in anticipation of how my tree would look. When I got out of my car I looked at my tree and was so happy! He did a great job. I sent him a text of thanks and said I would kiss him if I could I was so happy.

Some people may look at mulch, plumbing, air conditioner and tree cutting as ordinary things in life, but I look at these things as happiness and smiles. I work very hard and I have had my share of good times and bad and I still do. I look to the little things to make me smile and I am thankful I have made it this far.

 

Fear

I am always reflecting on my life. Upon reflection I find I have lived most of my life in fear. How sad is that? I find it awfully sad.

As a child I lived in fear of my mother. My mother who would put me in a clothes dryer and turn it on, a mother who would take knives after me, throw me down flights of steps, try to drown me and come to my room in the middle of the night to punch me. I was afraid to go to sleep. To this day I don’t sleep deep. I have night mares that scare me. I fear I will die in my sleep of a heart attack because I get so afraid in my dreams.

I lived my teen age years and my twenties in fear because of something I had done. I paid the consequences for my actions but felt such shame and fear of judgment. Surprisingly, the people who judged me the most were my family. Oh, family!

I was robbed when I was in my early twenties. The robber knew where I worked and stole my car keys with my apartment keys. For a time I lived in fear he would come after me. Changing the locks of my apartment helped, but I was still afraid for a time.

I married a man who has a terrible temper. I am very patient and forgiving. I think there must be something wrong with me that I forgive people who hurt me. I fear these people who hurt me but I forgive them. I forgive them in hopes they will get it right and stop hurting me.

When I was married my husband would get so angry he would punch holes in walls, chase me around trying to prevent me from locking myself in a room to get away he would bust doors. The day of our baby shower he chased me around while I was 7 months pregnant calling me a bitch and a whore. I was so used to the name calling it just did not faze me but I knew I needed to get away from the infection of his anger.

We do not live together anymore but I am afraid. I always tell people one never knows what someone is capable of doing. I come from a mother who tried to kill me. In a perfect world people should not have to fear their mother.

When my ex husband recently told me I am the worst mother and worst human being ever I did not respond. If I did respond I know he would just get nastier and nastier. When I leave my house I don’t feel safe. When I go to work I don’t feel safe. I am so tired of living in fear.

When I was a child I would pray to God that my mother would die. I just wanted her to die so she would stop hurting me, so I could feel safe. God did not answer my prayer. I am ok with this. I don’t pray for my ex husband to die as I know that is wrong. I pray he will leave me alone, stop threatening me, I pray he will come to some epiphany that people don’t go around threatening people.

I am not a perfect person, but I also think considering where I came from I’ve done a pretty good job. People like me who come from abusive homes are not dealt a solid starting foundation for life. I am not a perfect parent but I come from a mother who tried to kill me and a father who was never home. I can say I am a loving mother to my children and I have always worked my schedule to be home for my children as much as possible.

In spite of all the hardships I deal with I am thankful to be alive and well. Living in fear is not fun, but I would rather be alive living in fear than dead and feeling nothing. That’s why I never give up.

 

 

Coward

I am reading a book called Bushido The Way of the Samurai. I have always been fascinated with Japanese culture and reading about the Samurai I am more fascinated than ever. I decided to study the glossary terms in the book and saw the word coward. A coward is one who shows fear when faced with pain or danger. For a Samurai a coward denotes social and inner failure.

I am no Samurai but I strive to not be a coward.

Reading this passage makes me reflect on people in my life. Prominent people in my life who behave in a cowardly manner. I have made mistakes in my life. I am not perfect, who is? I have owned up to my mistakes and faced my consequences because I do not want to be a coward.

When I became separated my estranged spouse would threaten me. To threaten a person is a cowardly thing to do. He threatened me with the car that I drove. His name was still on the car note. The car note I was paying. I immediately sold the car to get a car with my name on the note. Peace of mind is amazing.

Said estranged spouse threatened me with forcing me to have to sell my house that I had lived in and owned before meeting him. A house that my children grew up in. A house where I pay the mortgage and fight and claw to keep so my children can live in stability. Estranged spouse said I would never be able to refinance to take over payment. A coward will tell someone they can never do something. If someone tells me I can never do something I show them I can and I will. By the grace of God I refinanced my house.

Today, I am divorced but ex spouse still continues to threaten me, bullies me, behaves like a coward to me by threatening me with our child. He recently told me I will never see my child again. That is the painful last straw. Who threatens a person all the time? Only a coward, a person who is afraid, a person who is a failure.

When I was married my ex husband always insulted me, called me names, insulted my parenting style, went so far as to say I purposely abused our child to get back at him. However, when he needs help he calls me and I help him. The Bushido book discusses that when it comes to loyalty and people many will ask for your help when they are in trouble, but when they are not in trouble they forget you. How many of us experience this lack of loyalty?

My ex husband tried to call me to allow me to see my daughter. He does not have the power anymore. I am so tired of being threatened with I will never see my daughter again and then do you want to see your daughter. I am living in a situation where I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t. I received an e-mail stating I am the worst mother and human being in life. Only my ex insults me in such way.

I cannot be held hostage by this coward.

As stated previously, I am no Samurai though the way of the Samurai is rather honorable in many aspects. I am not a coward and I am tired of being bullied by people who I see as weak because when they don’t get their way they resort to name calling, lying and attacks.

So much of my life I have felt alone on a raft kind of like Thumbelina who is small and mighty but because I am small giants attack and I am often alone in my fight. It’s kind of lonely. I have lived almost 43 years not being a coward and I won’t start today.

Maybe we can all learn something from the Samurai way. I know I can.

February 14, 1991

February 14, 1991. Thursday. Valentine’s Day. A day that would change her life for the rest of her life. She was 17 and dying to be a typical teenager but her life was far from typical. She went to school, worked a part time job and was desperate to escape her fucked up family life.

Early child abuse at the hands of her mother and no safe refuge in the arms of a loving father forced her into searching for someone, anyone who would rescue her and give her love.

She found love in all the wrong places, wrong arms, wrong voices, wrong everything and she knew it but was so broken down and willing to take any glimpse of attention and affection that she put herself in fucked up situations.

She was involved with an older man, older not by much, he was 21. He was 21 with two children by two different women. One of the women was his estranged wife who he happened to be living with. Living with and having sex with. He impregnated her after he impregnated his girlfriend who he broke up with. His girlfriend who called her and told her that they had sex. She had been warned…

It’s funny how people ignore those warning signs. I bet even if she saw big neon lights that blinked RUN RUN RUN she would not have ran. I bet she would have ignored the lights because she would strive for freedom at any price, even at the expense of her own life and others…

She had a rocky relationship with this man, naturally, but on that February 14th he drove up and she snuck out of her house and went with him for a secret rendezvous. She was not on birth control but she knew she did not want to get pregnant. She took precautions against pregnancy and she absolutely did take precautions that February 14, 1991. She knew he loved her sex. He loved her on top. In the heat of their moment she asked him “where do you want it?” He said in a panting, breathless voice, “in your pussy, in your ass, in your mouth, anywhere.” She did not like it in her ass, this same said guy had anally raped her one day but that’s a story for another time.

She eased herself onto him and rode him the way her liked and in that moment she knew something was different. Something was different that would change her life forever…

Looking back I bet people always think why did I do this? Why did I do that? Why did I not see that? The truth is people ignore what is right in front of their face. They ignore the warning signs. Ignorance leads to consequences. Consequences she had to face and live with for the rest of her life because she was so in need of love on the February 14, 1991 that did change her life forever…

 

When Sara died…

It was a Friday. Just like any other day of the week. I get up and get ready for work and my phone buzzed. I glanced at my phone and saw a text from my aunt that my grandmother’s time was coming to an end. I braced myself and in a daze went to work and tried to function as normal with that news in the back of my mind.
Towards the end of the day I informed my boss about my grandmother and he told me to keep him posted.
When I got home from work I was sitting in the kitchen and my phone buzzed. I glanced down at the phone with a sense of dread and saw a text from my aunt my grandmother had passed. For a quick instant I felt shattered. My relationship with my family on my mother’s side is fragile. Things happened between us that are painful. I happened to share the same birthday as my grandmother and our birthday’s had just passed. She was 93 so I knew and understood it was her time, but I also had to decide if I would go to her funeral. I questioned did I have the strength to face people who hurt me as a child?
I texted my boss about my grandmother and he responded for me to keep him posted on what I would do. I tried to go through the motions of the week end like normal. I spoke to my mother and she told me she would really love it if I went to the funeral. I struggled all week end over what I would do.
Sunday night I received a cryptic message from my boss’s boss about a conference call at 7:30 in the morning for all my coworkers. My boss was not on the message and I knew something was wrong. I just did not know what. I texted my boss, “are you ok?” No response.
I texted my coworker and asked her if she knew anything. She responded she would tell me in the morning. I still felt a sense of dread and I told her of the passing of my grandmother. She texted condolences and we agreed to speak in the morning.
After tossing and turning through the night I got up Monday morning still struggling over the passing of my grandmother and fearful of what I would face at work.
My coworker came in and called me into the office. She said, “Sara died.” At that moment I felt like a china doll shattering and said, “No, no, no.” Sara was the longtime girlfriend of my boss. Sara was 28. Sara was dead? No, no, no, but it was true. My coworkers and I learned on the conference call it was true. Sara was dead. I did not know Sara but I heard a lot of Sara and she was 28. Her age kept going through my mind. I knew with my boss gone for the week I had to keep it together for him and the team. It was that day I decided to attend my grandmother’s funeral. I was afraid of facing my mother’s family alone, but I also face my fears.
I trudged through the week in a daze. Each day I was asking myself am I dreaming? I was not dreaming.
I did attend the funeral of my grandmother and I was glad I did. I saw family I don’t often see. Funerals tend to be like crazy family reunion’s where you gather together for a sad event but it is also joyous because you see family you would otherwise not see. I sat during the service observing different reactions, emotions and reached the conclusion all families have some dysfunction. No family is perfect and whatever pained caused in the past is forgiven.
I was told by family members who were with my grandmother when I called her to tell her happy birthday her face lit up in happiness over the call. I had not called her to tell her happy birthday in years. I was happy I was able to tell her one last happy birthday and she was able to tell me one last happy birthday.
Death is so final, whether someone is 93 or 28, it’s final. I found myself thinking of Sara often. Thinking Sara would never feel the sun shine again. I am mindful of the sun. I love the sun. I thought of my boss and when he would laugh again. I love his laugh. My boss is private with his feelings. I have heard him laugh but it is not the same. Sara will not hear him laugh.
When Sara died life as I knew it changed and I had not even met Sara. I like to think Sara is watching out for my boss and looking down on him and shining. I know his life changed and that is life as we know it…

It takes a village…

The old saying it takes a village to raise a child is great, but what if the village is comprised of people who hate? What if the village is comprised of just plain ignorance? Hate and ignorance is a disease.

If communities or villages are filled with people who hate and promote ignorance the children will grow up to be hate filled and ignorant. Is it the fault of the child? No.

I grew up in a very abusive environment. My mother tried to kill me many times. I prayed to God she would die. I prayed so very hard and I asked God to forgive me for praying such a horrendous thing but I wanted to stop fearing for my life.

I was one of those kids who thought about killing their mother because I could not take being abused. I felt it was her or me. My mother was so strong and I was so afraid and I truthfully did not have the hate in my heart or enough desperation to kill her. I understand the children who do kill their parents.

When I read the stories in the media of people who kill people because they are a different race or different lifestyle or whatever, I cannot help but feel those perpetrators of violence suffer from the affliction of the disease of hate or mental illness they have been subjected to from their village. Who is to blame?

If all a person or child sees is hate growing up, how does anyone expect that child to grow up not hating?

If all a person sees is evil, how does anyone expect that person to not be anything but evil? That’s the reality no one wants to accept.

No one from my family wants to accept the fact that because I was abused I have to fight harder to not be hate filled. I have to fight harder to trust people. My village did not protect me.

I am not saying the people who hurt others should not face consequences. They absolutely should, but if people really looked at where these violent people came from they would see many are guilty for contributing to the creation of that person.

I once told my mother I wanted to become a meteorologist. My mother said I was not smart enough to become a meteorologist. She said my sisters were smart enough to become doctors and lawyers, but not me.

I thought to myself, wow thanks for the encouragement and for crushing my dream. Today, I know I can do anything I want to do. I am determined like that but I had to fight hard to get to this mentality. I am hard headed, thank God for that.

My point of this is hate breeds hate and love breeds love. Sometimes we have to look at a very sad situation on a deeper level and instead of looking for vengeance look for ways to break through the barrier of hate in the villages that are encouraging hate. The responsibility falls on everyone.

Over and out

See Saw of life…

Life is like a see saw. Constantly filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. Through the highs and lows of life I have remained consistent. I never change really. I am like that old reliable friend where even if not speaking for ten years the conversation is easy.

This brings me to my ex husband. He is consistent like a see saw in a crazy way. In his world one week I am an awesome mother and the next week I am a monstrous mother who is trying to destroy our child. One week I am his favorite person and the next week I am called a miserable failure professionally and personally and I am crazy about to be carted off to the loony bin. All I can do is take the praise and insults with a grain of salt. It’s painful to be spoken about in such a way. I am after all a human being with feelings.

Recently, after a barrage of insults my ex husband called me. He said he needed a favor. Him and his girlfriend who I had not met got stuck in his car in a ditch near my house. It was snowy and cold and the tow truck was not going to come for 90 minutes. He asked me if him and his girlfriend could come wait in my house. I said sure no problem but thought to myself if I am such a monster why would he want to sit in my house?

I met the girlfriend in my pajamas and robe as that’s how I prefer to be at home. She seems like a nice person and we had things in common like love of Scandal and Twilight. I have a way of putting people at ease because guess what? I am not a monster!

The tow truck came and they went on their merry way…

My ex husband and his girlfriend are taking the next stage in their relationship by moving in together. My ex asked me if I would watch our daughter while he moved. I said, sure no problem. He dropped off our daughter and oh about 20 minutes later I get a call from him. He needs a favor. He lost his license and his girlfriend had an expired license so he asked me if I would come to the truck rental place with my license so he could rent a truck so he could move. Sure, I said, no problem. This is my life…

I am thinking to myself as I am helping I am his old life and he needs to find a way to solve his problems on his own but I will always lend a hand. I found out later it was his girlfriend’s idea to call me and she thinks I am so sweet for helping. I have always been described as sweet…

So my ex and his girlfriend have been living together for about two weeks now and one week into the happily ever after couple my ex tells me he feels aimless and needs to talk to me because I am the only person he can talk to. He thinks he may have made a mistake by moving in with his girlfriend. I am a listener. I am consistent. I told him that is why he always comes to me. I never really turn my back on anyone. Even someone who gives me praise one week and insults me terribly the next. I am just on this ride of the see saw of life trying to be the best person I can be and that is how I will remain.

Over and out🙂

Come as you are, but…

I try not to get enamored with people I don’t know. I try not to make judgments about people I don’t know either.

I admire people who come from shitty situations in life and find success. That shit is not easy.

I admire the neurosurgeon and Republican candidate for president Ben Carson because he became a successful person against the odds of growing up in a struggling environment.

I however, don’t admire that he says homosexuality is a choice because many people go into prison straight and come out gay. That sounds like some dumb shit from a highly educated person. It just goes to show and prove not everyone can be intelligent and an expert on everything.

I have thought about this stupid comment all day and thought how the hell does he know? People need affection. Even people in prison. When you have people locked up for however many years they are still human beings. Human beings who will develop relationships. Maybe they choose to have affection because it’s necessary for sanity! I wish the great doctor really thought about the human factor and need for affection before saying something so stupid.

I am not a lesbian but I do believe if I were in prison with a bunch of other women I cannot say I would not develop a relationship with a woman because I do crave affection. This does not make me gay. It’s kind of like one has to work with what they have. Turn the unpleasant experience of prison from lemons to lemonade. Yes, that is a choice in prison given the circumstances, but out of prison I love men!

I don’t believe homosexuality is a choice and I think it’s fucked up society even ponders that shit. Imagine if we left homosexuals alone; live and let live so to speak and really focused on other truly important matters like terrorism and beheadings of innocent people and shit…

I happened to catch a show on cable today about gays and lesbians. This reformed lesbian mother found God and denounced her homosexuality and took her son to church hoping he would denounce his. A song played in the church with the words come as you are… What a crock of shit!! Come as you are but if you’re homosexual you’re going to hell. Ugh, that ignorance really burns me up and is so stupid. I am the first to admit I am part sinner and part saint and if I am damned to hell for my sins then I will go to hell feet stomping and have a damn good time! I don’t believe I am going to hell though so wherever I end up I will be stomping my feet. In my world it is come as you are and live and let live!!

Over and out🙂

Time

Before I had children and fell in love with my children my loves in life were reading and music. I totally love 80s music and classic rock.

Lately, I have determined a main theme song of my life is Time by Pink Floyd. I love Pink Floyd and as I type this blog or piece of my mind I am wearing the dark side of the moon prism t-shirt. I love Pink Floyd so much I made an art project of the prism in high school and I had the prism poster on my bedroom wall. I am trying to turn one of my children into the big Pink Floyd fan I am but sadly, they like the Beatles. One can never stop hoping…

Recently, I went for a walk in the woods with my children. I always listen to music. Thank God for IPhones! I love photography and well, the IPhone allows me to listen to music and take pictures. Ah, technology…

Walking in the woods the sun was shining so brightly I took a picture of the sun. I love the sun. I immediately thought “the sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older.” Time, time never stops, but we get older and eventually we will stop. That’s kind of sad, hell, that’s more than sad because we don’t know when our time will stop.

Recently, I was driving home from work. A route I have taken everyday for only God knows how many days, years. I have taken the route so many times I practically drive on auto pilot and then one day I witnessed something horrible. Music playing, singing along and then right in front of my eyes a big white SUV flips in the air like in the movies and lands on the sidewalk. My mouth flew open and I said what the fuck as I saw a man jump out the SUV and open the back door to retrieve a child. Many people stopped, but I was not one of them. I started saying oh my God, oh my God and I could not stop. I was too afraid of what I would see and felt I would have a mental breakdown. That’s the damn truth.

I don’t take my time on this earth for granted because I know I could be here one second driving or blogging or whatever and then bam, I could be gone.

I don’t have much to leave my daughters but I have a few things for them upon my death. I did not have anything for my three year old and that has been nagging me. I was given a gold necklace for Christmas with an S charm. My name starts with S. My three year old loves my S necklace. Her name happens to begin with S. It dawned on me the other day when I die my baby should have my S necklace. I let her father know my wishes. He said my thought was disturbing but time is on none of our sides.

I won’t forget that accident and how in that moment I clearly witnessed something that will haunt me forever. Tick tock goes the clock and knowing this I will strive to keep listening to Pink Floyd and all the other music I love and of course to always tell my children I love them.

Life is short and so precious and time never stops.

Over and out🙂

Scandal

So I am a couple years late but one of my many motto’s is better late than never. I am like who knows how many people who is now a fan of Scandal.

I love Olivia Pope’s character. She reminds me of myself. A fixer who needs fixing. I recently told a friend I am not complete and I don’t really want to be. Olivia said normal is overrated and it’s kind of true. What the hell is normal? I have been on a quest to find some kind of normal for myself and realize nothing happens overnight.

Life is filled with twists and turns and curveballs and snowballs and just plain shit.

I love the twisted sad fucked up love story between Olivia and the President. How many of us love someone perhaps maybe we should not? Love is love and how can we control who we love or who we don’t? The sad reality is many people love forbiddenly. I watch this show and I think to myself these people love each other so much and yet they can’t be together. I know my opinion is probably not popular but I don’t really care…

Love is life…

I also love Huck’s character. It’s kind of twisted but I do identify with him. I am not a person who gets off on killing or anything but I do appreciate someone who does not feel shame for what he does or likes to do. He is who he is.

So many people need fixing or saving and knowledge that people care for their well being. Without that human connection or empathy where would we be?

I find the more relationships I develop with people and the more that is shared with me I see many of us have struggles. Life is so damn short and we can be here one minute and gone the next. As long as I am alive I feel I must continue to try to live the best possible life. I just have a hard time getting there. It’s just not so easy.

I find it comical I never thought I would become one of those Scandal addicts. The show deals with so many complex issues and people’s personalities I am sure there are tons of different reasons why the show is popular.

I find myself excited when I think Olivia and the President could have a chance at happily ever after, but that’s a fucking fairy tale that happens to very few and that is the reality…

Over and out🙂

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