Karma

Karma is sneaky. Karma can sneak up on someone who does not even deserve karma. Karma is a test of doing the right thing, but what is the right thing? Sometimes the answer is cloudy…

When I was in 4^th grade my mother punched me and kicked me for no reason at all. She was just in one of her moods to be abusive. The punch and kick hurt and feeling like a trapped animal in a cage, I ran out the front door. I ran to a park up the street. The park was located by woods and I ran into the woods and hid behind a tree. I looked around the tree and saw my mother driving into the parking lot. I ran, where I did not know and I did not care. I just needed to get away because I knew I would have been in serious trouble if mother caught me. Darkness came and I was there in the woods and I was getting cold. I came upon a house with a screened in porch. I broke through the screen. It took me a long time, but I was patient. The porch had a dirty old blanket on the floor but I did not care. I used the blanket to keep me warm and I slept through the night.

Early the next morning I woke up and left the house. I wandered aimlessly around the woods and finally settled behind some trees. Some children were playing and they found me. The children told their parents and their parents called the police. The police came and took me to the police station. It was then I knew I had my chance to tell the police all about the abuse I suffered through the years. I knew the police would save me from my mother. I was wrong. My father came to pick me up and take me home, back home to the cage. I got in trouble for running away and my parents did not allow me to go trick or treating. My father told me if I ever ran away again he “would take the skin off my ass like a lawn mower mowing the lawn.” What a clever thing to say I thought to myself and I also could not believe I ran away to protect myself from violence and if I ran away again I would get punished with violence. How fucked up is that?

So the police did not do the right thing. My father did not do the right thing. The right thing was obvious in that situation.

Present day I am faced with questioning what is the right thing. My daughter was verbally abused by her step father. I warned him many times to leave her alone, but he would not. My daughter is traumatized by his words. Abuse can come in many ways, verbal, mental, emotional, and physical and maybe more…

The abuser may never understand the trauma they inflict on the abused. My mother has had the nerve to tell me I was to blame for the abuse I received. Bullshit! I have never confronted my mother for what she did to me. I am too afraid. My daughter wants to confront my husband and a part of me thinks she should. He is such a hot head though. I know he will shut down and not listen to my daughter. Hot heads have a way of doing that. I am in the middle of my daughter and my husband and it is very draining. He does not understand why I only stand up for my daughter. I have to. That is my karma for no one standing up for me. I think it’s obvious, but unless someone is abused or traumatized they never truly understand. Some shoes are impossible to wear.

I will encourage my daughter to do what she thinks is best and I am glad she has the strength to face something I don’t have the strength to. Even if her step father does not listen she will become stronger by getting what she feels off her chest and I hope she takes the attitude of take it or leave it, but don’t fuck with me again.

Over and out 🙂

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is like a wagon train. I have been riding that train my whole life and that is one ride I never want to get off. Many people have hurt me in my life starting with my mother and ending with my children. Every time my mother hurt me she always came to me after and said she would never do it again. I always believed her. I still do to this day. Maybe I am stupid or gullible, but I have no other choice but to forgive. I remember hoping and praying to God, yes this is the last time I will be hurt. I guess my hopes and prayers fell on deaf ears, but I don’t blame God. It is what it is…

When I was a teen ager the physical abuse stopped, thank God!

Others have wronged me through life, boyfriends, my first husband, my second husband, people, my children. I have forgiven them all. I have gotten into fights with my mother over the phone where she said something really hateful to me. I have hung up the phone on her and called her a bitch over the phone and said, “I will never talk to her again.” I would feel relief over not talking to someone who hurt me so bad. We have gone a year without talking, but then she calls and apologizes and says she will never do it again. I forgive her and I am back on the wagon train of forgiveness.

I have hurt people in my life. Karmas a bitch! Those people I have hurt have forgiven me. They have forgiven me of things I have not even forgiven myself of. Some things I will never forgive myself of.

I am trying to teach my children to be forgiving people. My older daughter is very resentful and it’s painful for me because she does not want to forgive. I don’t want to force my daughter into forgiveness. I don’t believe I can force anyone into anything. I was not forced into forgiving, I just do forgive. I guess I know what it feels like to feel resentful and I know what it feels like to feel hatred. It does not feel good at all. It’s not me at all and I had to let that shit go. Thank God I did. I am loving and though this puts me in a vulnerable position, it suits my life better.

I told my daughter so. I told my daughter I understand how she feels and I told my daughter I don’t expect her to forgive, but her life will be better if she allows forgiveness into her heart. My daughter has lived a different hell than I have. The fact that my daughter struggles with depression is unimaginable to me. Maybe the depression puts a barrier to forgiveness. Who knows? I just know that if my daughter gets on the wagon train to forgiveness she will feel more freedom then she will realize and I will be grateful for it.

Over and out 🙂